Tuesday, May 1, 2012

How I died doing Yoga.. I am dead.

The Big Guy and I had Sunday morning to ourselves while the kids went to church with his parents, so we went out to breakfast and then to HEB. At HEB I made the horrific mistake of weighing myself on the scale they have there - you know, the one you feed a quarter into so it can RUIN YOUR FUCKING LIFE... and then give you your lucky numbers.

180 pounds. The Minion is 13 months old and I am STILL 180 pounds. I tried to convince myself that the giant breakfast I just ate and the fact that I hadn't nursed in a few hours was the problem... but can 2 fried eggs and a biscuit, and a few ounces of breast milk create a 20 pound error? (PLEASE SAY YES)

We all know I'm not going to diet. Fuck that. Food is too awesome. So I decided to take advantage of the "Workout and Fitness" section on my Netflix streaming. (Should I link that? Did you know it was there? It's pretty awesome...)

I wanted to try one of the salsa or cardio dance ones but I respect my enormous boobs too much for that - I don't have a sports bra (yet.. .I'll get one... SPONSORS? LOL) so I decided to try something more low key - Yoga or Pilates. Hey, look! Yoga and Pilates combined! And the skinny bitch on the picture is sitting down! I can sit down... I"m all over this.

I turned it on and sit through the annoying intro and crappy music and then it starts. And there's no sitting. Since it's Netflix, I skip ahead and about 14 minutes in they start the floor work. Yay! Sitting! So I get into position... and the MINUTE my ass hits the floor, I am attacked by little girls. I try to talk them into doing it with me, and Demon is semi-interested, but Minion just wants to GET MOMMY.

So I'm attempting to fend off the attacking baby, and watch the skinny bitch on the TV, and stand with my head between my knees, my ass in the air, when Demon attacks. She launches herself at me from behind, and wraps herself around my leg. Not just a hug, mind you... a full on Koala grip, arms and legs wrapped around my leg, her entire body weight attacking my right leg like fucking *insert famous football player who knocks people down here* (I was going to Google, but then it would seem like I know a good goddamn thing about football and that's a lie.) I lost my balance and frankly, ate shit.

I tipped straight forward and was grabbing at Demon to get her off my leg, and Minion chose that moment to crawl under me, so I was moving her, and didn't have a free hand to save myself.

I fell forward and totally went head first into our wood floor. KONK. Then the girls jumped on me. Total fucking yoga fail. It's funny now, but it was not funny at the time. It hurt and I was pissed.

All you fit mamas who manage to work out... how do you do it? Do you just do it while your kids are asleep? Get out of the house? I gotta do something... but this Netflix thing ain't gonna do it.