Monday, June 11, 2012

I was NAKED.

Remember this post where there was an imaginary scorpion on my laptop and I threw it (laptop, not scorpion) across the room?

Well...

Lemme tell you about last night.

First things first... you should know that I wear glasses or contacts pretty much all the time. Without them, I am blind. I have to put my glasses on to get my boob in Minion's mouth at 2 am, if that gives you an idea of how blind I am.

I finally got all the kids to bed, The Big Guy was watching TV, and it was "my time".He's rarely here when I take my shower, so I was going to take advantage of him being here to listen for crying babies and actually shave my legs and shower at the same time. I turned the hot water on, and white it was heating up, finally plucked this bastard chin hair that has been bugging me for days.. pesky fucker. I was high on a successful plucking mission and stripped, combed out my hair and hopped in the shower.

Let me be clear. I was NAKED. In the shower. And blind. The only way I could have been more vulnerable was if I was in stirrups. I lathered up my hair and I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. We get the occasional roly poly in our shower (hey, it's the country) so I bent close to see what it was.


He was about an inch long. Seriously fucking scary.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!

I scooted my body as far as I could from him, and rinsed as fast as I could, keeping my eyes open the whole time and watching him. I got out, and dripping wet, grabbed my phone and took this pic.

I texted it to The Big Guy with the message "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! OMG OMG OMG KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!! I'm unarmed!!!"

He came into the bathroom, laughing at me, of course, and caught it in an empty water bottle. He poured bleach into the bottle and we watched the fucker die. It was very satisfying. Then we flushed him. That was satisfying, too!!

It's midnight as I write this (I'll schedule this post to show up in the morning) and everyone is asleep. I need to turn off the TV, go take a shower and go to bed. But I have to admit, I'm scared.

I'm going to take a shoe in there with me, that's for goddamned sure.