Tuesday, October 14, 2014

I wish #Marvel liked my daughter as much as my daughter likes Marvel

Today's topic in the October Blogging Challenge is I wish... I wish for a lot of things. World peace, marriage equality, reproductive freedom, carb free chocolate that doesn't taste like Satan's bumhole. I'm not a good enough writer to acheive any of those things with a blog post, though.

This is my baby girl. This is Minion. She's hilarious. She's tiny, but so strong. Stronger than her 5 year old sister, who's almost a head taller. She's stubborn. She's brave. She loves Spiderman.


She doesn't want to marry him, date him, make out with him. She doesn't think he's cute. She just fucking digs him. He's awesome! He's brave and strong and smart and can climb fucking walls and "shoot sweb fwom his hands wike dis pzzt pzzt pzzt!" She wants to be just like him. Which is pretty damn awesome - Spiderman is a great role model for anybody.


When people call her "Spider-Girl" she gets mad. "I'm NOT Pida-Girl. I'm Minion*! I'm a hee-wo wike Spidaman!" *Not her real name. Duh.

All she wants is Spiderman panties. Not boys underwear, because she's not a boy. She doesn't have the parts that go in boys underwear. She has the boys underwear, and wears them, of course. Here's the thing though - when we have to go to the VERY obviously "boys department" to find Spiderman stuff for her, it's a big slap in the face.

"This isn't for you, little girl. You're weird for liking this stuff! Go buy some princess shit." is what the stores are telling her. What Marvel is telling her.

Well guess what, Marvel? I spend a LOT of money on my girls. Too much. More than I can afford. I want to give a lot of that to y'all. I do. I'm literally asking you to take my fucking money. PLEASE consider all the little girls out there that like Spiderman and IronMan and Thor and Loki and not just because they're hot. Little girls who read the comics and dream of kicking ass. Who WILL kick ass. They're your future - they're the ones who will be buying comic books and seeing the movies and buying DVDs and Blu Rays in a few years.

And for the love of God - there are other colors besides pink.

DC - I'm coming for you, next.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Thankful Thursday

I'm doing the October Blogging challenge with my BFF Shelley (and failing, since this is the first time I've linked up and it's already the 9th) and today I sat down to look at the topic for today and saw Thankful Thursday and my first thought was UGH. I know thankfulity and gratitude is like a thing now and all but it just annoys me. I can appreciate everything in my life without making a big deal about it. But that might just be my inner cynic showing her ugly, bitter head. I had already decided to write about today's topic, regardless of what it was, so I'm gonna roll with it.

Thankful Thursday

I'm thankful for everything in my life, the good and the bad - even if I don't gush about it on Facebook. But I suppose the goal of this topic is to pick a thing and gush. So because I'm a suck up, I'm going to express my gratitude for y'all. My readers/fans/friends - whatever you wanna call yourselves. FGLBers.

Sometimes I feel like "I'm the only one" - I'm the only one who sucks at this housekeeping shit. I'm the only one who's not totally enraptured with motherhood 100% of the time. I'm the only one who accidentally says "fuck" in a job interview. I'm the only one who fantasizes about grabbing the bread and the bottle of wine during communion and running away down the aisles of the church screaming "ITS A JESUS CARB PARTY, MOTHERFUCKERS!" -- and I share these thoughts and stories and I expect to be met by a wall of shocked silence, or "You crazy, bitch."

But I don't. I get a chorus of "me too!" or "that's nothing.. let me tell you about the time..." and I don't feel so alone. Except maybe on that "carb party" thing. That might just be me.

So today let me gush. I am thankful for you. I am grateful that y'all get me. Thanks for reading and interacting. Thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone.

So yeah. Now fuck off. ;) Or link up. Whatevs.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

DIY Exfoliating Cellulite Scrub

Guys. I can't even. I almost don't even want to take credit for this... it's so easy and it happened accidentally. But yeah I'm gonna blog it - every one of them Google AdSense pennies count, right?? I made a whole 17 cents last year!

Since we moved into the new house, Big Guy has been leaving for work at like 5 am so he can get home early and work on the house for a couple hours before it gets dark. That means he has to get up at like 4am (he showers like a fancy lady, it takes forever.) So before bed, I put  the coffee pot together so all he has to do is flip it on before he starts his fancy lady shower, and then it's done when he gets out. I've been throwing out a ton of coffee grounds every day, so I started Googling ways to use them. I read all kinds of cool ideas that I'd never do - basically anything that requires me to go outside. But one said that coffee grounds are good for cellulite. That got my attention.

So I mixed up this random mess of shit I happened to have around, and OMG I've found the miracle solution. My skin is super soft, my ass is firmer (slightly - I mean it's not like I've been doing squats or anything - let's not get crazy) and the best part? I didn't spend a trillion dollars on some elephant fat and rhino semen cellulite cream.

DIY Cellulite Scrub
You didn't think I'd use a picture of my ass, did you?

So here's how it works:

DIY Exfoliating Cellulite Scrub

1 part coffee grounds*
1 part coconut oil (warmed enough to be liquid)
some cinnamon
Mix in a jar with a tight fitting lid 

*When you take the grounds out of the machine, let them sit on the counter a bit and dry - too much wet will make things gross

To use:

Keep the jar in the shower, and the steam from your shower will soften and liquefy the coconut oil. Wash your hair and rinse, then add your conditioner - while the conditioner sits on your hair, scoop up a small amount of the coffee/coconut oil mixture and firmly, but lightly, rub it in a circular motion all over your body. Focusing on your "problem areas", rub a little extra and a little longer. Don't rub too hard - it hurts. I have VERY dry skin on my face so I use a tiny bit to exfoliate my face, too, but if you have oily skin I wouldn't risk it. Rinse well! You might want to rinse the tub with a little Dawn afterwards, too, it can get pretty slick.

I prefer this over salt or sugar scrubs that I've tried - sugar scrubs draw ants, and salt scrubs burn like a mofo if you have a cut. Today I scrubbed my legs, shaved, and then scrubbed again - and holy cow. My legs feel like velvet or something. I keep making Big Guy rub them. I think he's annoyed more than turned on, but whatevs.

On top of all the smoothness, this shit smells like everything good in the world. I honestly don't know if there's enough caffeine absorbed through your skin to affect anyone, but I don't use it when I shower at night - I have too many problems sleeping as it is, I'm not going to take any chances.

How I did it: I had half a jar of coconut oil in the pantry. I moved it over by the coffee machine and every night when I made Big Guy's coffee, instead of dumping the grounds, I set them on a paper towel on the counter. In the morning, I dumped them into the jar and stirred. When the jar was filled, I added about a tablespoon of cinnamon and stirred that in. It took about 4 days to get the right amount of grounds, but I only make about 3 cups worth per day during the week. On weekends I make a full pot and could have done it with one pot's worth.

Let me know if you try it and what you think!