10 Items or Less

Today's Blog Every Day in May post is to sell yourself in 10 words or less. Brevity isn't really my thing but I'll try!

A foul-mouthed Betty Crocker with no fucking clue what she's doing.


Sold? I hope so.

Blog A Day in May - May 10, Most Embarrassing Story

This one was hard, not because I couldn't think of one, but because I had too many to choose from! I decided to go with the letter of the law on this one and pick my actual MOST embarrassing. I want this to be a challenge, right? I tell embarrassing stories every day, so this should be something that's hard to tell. Luckily for you, it's still funny.

Now... shockingly, I have to admit that in my 35 years on this planet, I've had sex with guys other than Big Guy. I had a kid when I met him, actually. So the gentleman in this story is NOT Big Guy. We hadn't met at this point.

I invited a boy I liked over for dinner. I was making chipotle rubbed ribs, mashed potatoes, and a big salad. I whizzed up a can of chipotle pepper in adobo and half a bottle of KC Masterpiece BBQ sauce in my blender and was using my bare hands to rub it into the meat. Boy in question started kissing my neck and .. well, I wrapped the meat in Saran Wrap and stuck it in the fridge, washed my hands quickly and we went off to the bedroom.

Now how to put this delicately.

My hands touched him in.. places... and then his places touched my places. And then both our places started to burn. I realized what had happened and we went to the bathroom to rinse. That didn't help at all! I wound up called Poison Control and he and I both ended the night in my bathtub pouring milk on our privates.

He did not call me again.

The ribs were good.

Blog A Day in May - catch up!

I wanted to do this "Blog Every Day in May" when I heard about it in April but "the man" kept me down.. (Namely: amazon..don't ask, long story) but I'm gonna get caught up and then I'll blog every day from here on out! Rather than flooding y'all with 11 or so posts in one day, I'm going to do all the prompts I've missed on this one post. I'll try to make it all worth reading!

May 1: The Story of Your Life in 250 words or less

Evin was born to a hiphugger bell bottom wearing mama and a bearded papa. She was an only child and spent a lot of time in her head. She got really fat. She got knocked up by a guy she didn't know very well and had an amazing kid. She lost a lot of weight because she wanted to be healthy for the kid. She got really hot. She met a new guy and shockingly, got knocked up again. And again (same guy). They now live in the country where she has to go outside to do laundry like a goddamn caveman. The end.

May 2: How to fry an egg properly (educate your audience on something you know a lot about)

 Heat a small cast iron skillet on medium heat and melt a table spoon of butter into it. When the butter is melted, crack and egg into the pan. Stare at it for a few minutes. Tilt the pan, and using a spoon, pour hot butter from the pan onto the white part of the egg to cook it. Spoon a little onto the yolk, too but not too much. We want it runny. Shut up, I didn't ask you how you wanted your eggs... I'm telling you how to cook them properly. When the white is totally set, and the yolk is jiggly but not too liquidy, put it on top of some crappy leftovers nuked in the microwave and make them awesome. 

May 3: Things That Make Me Uncomfortable:

Pants.

May 4: Favorite Quote and why I love it

"Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing." - Optimus Prime

This reminds me that sometimes you just gotta roll with it. Shit happens. Be ready.

May 5: Profess your love for a blogger friend 

I'm not going to pick a friend because I don't want to leave anyone out. I pick Amber from Crappy Pictures because I love her blog and I WISH she was my friend! 

May 6: What do you do?

I write, I sing, I dance, I cook, I blog, I swear. Sometimes, I fall down.

May 7: The Things I'm Most Afraid Of

Lettuce, nuns, thunder, birds.

Fuck off, I know I'm weird. Yes, lettuce. It makes a weird noise that hurts my teeth.

May 8: A piece of advice I have for others

Be authentic. For fuck's sake, just be yourself. Be kind and silly and bitchy and whatever YOU are. Not what people want. Be you. 

May 9: A moment in my day

Post bath smoochies

 
Well! That was fun, right? That's got us caught up!!! Starting tomorrow, expect a new post every day!